My husband and I know many "swingers" and many "vanilla" couples and let me tell you..our "swinger" friends are more honest and safe about their sex life!
Carey, I hope you show the true story about how honest, safe and how "normal" these couples are. Can't wait to see your report!
*s*

Carey
Wow, you created a buzz with our "Lifestyle" friends, you're the talk of the town right now. lol

We're not sure who you interviewed for your story but we hope they're as open and honest as the people we know in the lifestyle. Everyone has this picture in their minds of what a SWINGER looks like and trust us when we say they're absolutely wrong. We're your everyday people..professionals.
We're somewhat new to AZ and because of the lifestyle we've met some great people who we are proud to call FRIENDS. Friends like you have. Friends who we spend Bdays and Holidays with. Friends who attend our kids baseball games..friends who are there for you.

If we compared our Lifestyle friends to our Vanilla friends marriages..Our lifestyle friends happier, communicate more and the divorce rate is a lot lower, just FYI.
We look forward to your story tomorrow night.
Mr & Mrs. Swinger

I am curious to know if these couples practice "SAFE SEX" 100 % of the time.

Did you ask them that and what were there responses! The potential of spreading STD's would be huge~ all it takes is one couple not to practice Safe Sex ...How unfair is that to "Swingers" and "non Swingers".
If they divorce, there is the potential of being with a monogomus person , yet the Swinger has been with literally 100's of partners through the act of unsafe sex. What was their repsonse to Safe Sex? Thank-You

I just feel so bad for these couples that "swing" They obviously don't know what it's like to be completely fulfilled & satisfied within a marriage!
If they did, they wouldn't have a need or desire to go outside of their marriage for sexual satisfaction or enjoyment.

The Divorce rate is 80% for a reason! My husband and I are both on our 2nd marriage, and I am kidding myself if I think my husband will only want to have sex with me for the rest of our lives and vice versa. We are sexual people and we love each other with all our hearts, but living in the "lifestyle" has brought us closer.

We always practice safe sex, and have met wonderful people who are just everyday working professionals, who want a little spice in their marriage. You have to be secure in yourself and secure in your marriage to do this. We are not looking for love, or companionship from other people, we are just looking for fun, and surprisingly we have made great friends!

I feel I have a more satisfying and fulfilling marriage being in the "lifestyle". It makes you more self confident and secure in what you have with your spouse. You don't know what you are missing!!!!!

Sandy, here is your answer to your question on how they practice "safe sex". Many (and I mean MANY) couples that "SWING" are very selective,will require proof of a current STD test, and won't play with others unless they use protection!
I can bet you that people that are involved in swinging have less of a chance to get an STD than single males/females that are not swinging.
Sandy..I clearly know that your idea of a "swinger" is wayyyy wrong when you say "yet the Swinger has been with literally 100's of partners through the act of unsafe sex". Just because they swing doesn't mean they sleep with 100's!!!!! They are selctive, like I stated, and usually "SWING" with the same people!!!

we were disappointed in the editorial slant of the story. instead of an objective reporting of the lifestyle, you edited the interviews to reflect a negative opinion of the lifestyle. please consider revisiting this issue in the future with an open mind and perhaps you should spend a little more time researching the lifestyle to gather background from groups around the valley and around the state.

I think what legal, consenting, responsible adults - I repeat - legal, consenting, responsible adults - do in the privacy of their own homes is no one's business but theirs. No way am I going to judge them about it. People in this country are so weird about sexual things. Everyone pretends it's some kind of holy thing. Get a grip! It's a normal natural bodily function like breathing or scratching an itch.

To J - stop with the sanctimonious baloney. That attitude of "if they did, they wouldn't...." is nothing more than a way to make yourself feel superior and your own marriage/sexual choices seem somehow "purer." Please, spare us.

'J' don't feel "bad" for us swingers. None of us claim that this is a lifestyle that everybody should try. It's only when you ARE completely happy in your relationship that you should even think about swinging. And even then, it isn't for everyone.

Just think, for some swingers it's hard to imagine that anyone would want to limit themselves to a sexually monogamous relationship. So those thoughts of not being able to relate to people on the other side of the fence works both ways.

And just so it's clear, we don't go 'outside' of our marriage for enjoyment. Swinging is something that we enjoy together WITHIN our marriage.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, Carey!

We've been married 15 years, have 4 kids, and love being married. It's true that communication is the key - that and knowing how to say "sorry."

As for swinging - yes, we've been doing it for about 4 years. We talked about it for years, but were always too busy with work, school, babies, etc. But we both had fantasies that involved bringing other people into the bedroom, and we were honest enough to share those fantasies with one another.

When we finally tried it, we loved it! We've both grown a lot and have become better lovers to boot.

Swinging isn't for everyone. But if you love each other, trust each other, are honest with each other, and are curious about having sex with others, we'd love to meet you. :)

Carey,
Out of curiosity, were these swingers "playing" with just memebers of the opposite sex, or was there a slant towards Female on Female "playing"? Our experience has been that there are a lot of couples were you would consider the female to be Bi-sexual or definitely bi-sexual.

It is amazing how many people that are not in this lifestyle want to judge it. My wife and I have been married for 5 years now, and have been swinging for 7 years. We are both professional workers, and live in a middle class neighborhood. We enjoy swinging very much.
Carey, your co-worker Patti Kirkpatrick made a comment about not understanding why someone wanting to save there marriage would consider swinging. If a couples marriage is in jeopardy, swinging is the last thing they should be doing. Swinging is for couples that are 100% in love. Like the people you interviewed say, swinging is done to spice up a marriage. My wife and I both enjoy watching each other have fun, and being able to fulfill each other's fantasies. We always play together.
It is sad that this is a lifestyle that is so judged by others. Why is this lifestyle judged so hard, yet so many other things that are injuring and hurting other people is accepted in todays society. My wife and I do not push our lifestyle on those that do not want to be a part of it, and have made many friends in the lifestyle, that are more genuine than friends that are not in the lifestyle.

Many may say that these swingers aren't hurting anyone, but let me tell you who they are hurting...Their children!!!! Coming from a child whose parents began participating in this lifestyle and I have experienced and continue to experience the destruction this can have on a family. It is an addictive style of life that ruins not only marriages, but families. How can you teach your children the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases when you have multiple partners per week...and your married!!! How can you teach your children about marriage when you are doing everything against what marriage is. Okay, so you live together, share a house and probably have children together, but when your out all that is forgotten. Can you people stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of the childrens lives you are destroying. What do you think it's like when you find that your mom has sex with one of more men everytime she goes out? I will tell you first hand that all respect will be lost for you as a parent! It is a selfish way of life and is demeaning to the word marriage.

Hi I Am A 65 Yr old man with an older wife. This is a late i relize but i just wanted to say that i'mm all for the lifestyle and if my wife was still interested we would still be swinging. It was a very exciting part of our life and I for one miss it.
Chuck

Your story was very fair and balanced. I think your second expert needs some knowledge on the subject and you can tell Patty she can unclench now. :)

Let me tell and ask you something. . .I would guess (100% guess), that the divorce rate in the lifestyle is probably 20%-30%. In the real world the divorce rate is 50%-80%. . .so let me ask you. . .how's that vanilla marriage thing working out for you?

Couples in the lifestyle have the best communication between mates I would bet vs any other group.

That is the secret (along with trust) to success in marriage and lifestyle.

VIEWER "Posted by: Happily married for 15 yrs. at April 25, 2007 08:56 PM"

I bet I could challenge that. . .I have known many, many couples. . .happily and married are not synonymous. You may very well be happy. . .your mate may say he is. Or you guys really are. . .but you would not be the norm. All the married couples that I knew prior to the lifestyle cheated.

VIEWER "I am curious to know if these couples practice "SAFE SEX" 100 % of the time."

Yes. You are an idiot if you don't.

VIEWER "How unfair is that to "Swingers" and "non Swingers".If they divorce, there is the potential of being with a monogomus person , yet the Swinger has been with literally 100's of partners through the act of unsafe sex."

Again. . .most, almost all married couples I know cheat. So exactly how safe is it for their partner or future partners?

VIEWER "I just feel so bad for these couples that "swing" They obviously don't know what it's like to be completely fulfilled & satisfied within a marriage!"

You obviously don't know what you are talking about. If most married couples cheat (trust me they do), how happy and satisfied are they again? Communication in this lifestyle is amazing. . .we talk about things that you will never talk about with your spouse. I suggest you study a subject before assuming negatives about it.

VIEWER "If they did, they wouldn't have a need or desire to go outside of their marriage for sexual satisfaction or enjoyment. "

Again if your lifestyle gets divorced 50%-80% of the time, your basis for that statement would be?

This is an issue that may be for adults but I have a question regarding the kids that are exposed to this. What is this teaching the kids? That it's OK to be doing this? When they are just starting to date, are they going to think that it's OK to be promiscuous? Are the adults thinking about what morals they are teaching the kids or are they just thinking about themselves? There are so many unanswered questions. I'm glad you did this story to hopefully help those of us understand why this is going on. Once again Thank You!

I would like to address a few parts of the story, and some comments made by others:

Swingers do not primarily live in upscale neighborhoods in Scottsdale, Ahwatukee, and Arcadia. They are ubiquitous in the Valley, across the nation, and internationally. They come from all walks of life and backgrounds.

They are not "looking for looooove... or misguided". (Ms. Kirkpatrick - shame on you!)

They are not missing out in something in their marriages. They are not seeking "spiritual fulfillment." They simply have a hobby that adds a little spice to their lives, and hurts nobody.

For the most part, they practice safer sex and are selective in their partners, and get tested more regularly than "Vanilla" singles, many of whom have more partners. STD's are not rampant in the Lifestyle.

Most swingers are not polyamorous or non-monogamous - in the sense that they have only one life mate, one true love. (They are simply not "sexually exclusive" with their mates.) Swingers don't necessarily have "open relationships" which suggests that they can go behind their mate's back at will.

Most do not engage in rampant group sex at parties. Most are selective, and many get to know their play partners well before they ever engage in any play.

Most swingers are very much in love with their mates, and participate in the Lifestyle only as a team.

Oh, and according to "divorcemag.com", which you stated was used as a source for your "number of couples that end in divorce being 80% before their 5th anniversary" actually says that 82% of marriages will ACHIEVE their 5th anniversary. 65% will reach the 10th, and 52% will reach thier 15th. http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml
"Divorce rate is now 82% is yet another piece of misinformation that now people are going to be going around quoting as "fact" because they 'saw it on the news.'

If I had kids, they wouldn't know that I swing. Do you share everything *you* do in the bedroom with your children?

Thought not.

swing�er
n.
Slang

a) An open-minded person who pursues fun playful and flirtatious friendships, which are often, but not always, of a sexual nature.

b) Someone who is comfortable with his or her own sexuality and understands that �Sex�, �Sexuality� & 'Physical Pleasure' are nothing to be ashamed of.

c) A person who understands that �Sex� and �Love� are not the same thing and can each be enjoyed separately and without jealousy.

The majority of people in the Lifestyle are committed or married couples who share their fantasies with each other and enjoy exploring them together. If done correctly and with proper communication, the Lifestyle can lead to all sorts of fun and exciting sexual experiences, new friendships, and a closer, more honest and more intimate relationship than either person ever thought possible.

The most important thing to remember about the people in the Lifestyle, is that they are normal people just like you.

A recent ABC News report estimated that there are over 4 million swingers in America. Since most swingers are usually pretty secretive about their involvement in the Lifestyle, this estimation is probably on the lower side. We've actually heard estimates go as high as 8 million!

Think about that for a second... 4 million swingers in America... That is about 1 out of 75 people! Do YOU know 75 people?

Here is a fun swinger math quiz!:
Assuming that 1/75 = "Swinger", how many people in the following scenarios are statistically likely to be in the Lifestyle?

A) A Boeing 737 airplane with 150 seats?

B) An average sized movie theater with 225 seats?

C) New York's Madison Square Garden with 20,000 seats?

D) Your graduating college class?

Answers:
A) 2 Swingers.
B) 3 Swingers.
C) 266.6 Swingers (Although we're not sure what .6 of a swinger looks like!)
D) We don't know how many people went to your college, but the likelihood is that you've sat through many classes with more than one swinger.

You dont have to come out and tell your children you are living this lifestyle for them to find out! My parents didn't tell me and I found out...unfortunatly! Now I am the one dealing with the pain and hurt of a child who discovers there parents live a differnt life! Like I said before, It is a selfish way of life, and I know first hand how it will destroy a family!

Chrissy, Children aren't stupid. You don't have to tell them what your doing in the bedroom. Not only can they can see through your actions but words travel fast. They will find out one way or another. Which again comes to the question, What morals are they being taught? Just curious and wanting to understand with an open mind.

My spouse and I have been married for 16 years, and have been in the "lifestyle" for the past 6 years. We love each other dearly. We lack nothing in our relationship, and feel sorry for all of the people whose marriages fail. We feel very fortunate to have open minds, and don't judge others over things we don't understand.

PS. We are quite spiritual, active in our community, college graduates, upper middle class, pay our taxes, are in perfect health, see each other as best friends, don't do drugs, don't smoke, don't steal, eat healthy, have professional/high profile careers, and have never been in trouble with the law beyond an occasional speeding ticket. We take responsibility for our own actions and are very happy with our relationship and our lives.

And we wouldn't be caught dead going on TV, or be interviewed for a swinging article. Only the extreme types subject themselves to the brutality and misunderstanding when they go "public."

And the career list of our lifestyle friends might amaze you: schoolteachers, police officers, fire fighters, flight attendants, pilots, government people, movie stars, real estate agents, dentists, athletes, nurses, doctors, DEA agents, and the list goes on.

Another story on Swinging? Just what we needed. Something to titillate, excite, expose, and get ratings. Yes, have interviews with professionals that see whom? Failed relationships. Interview one or two couples? Why visit with more? It must be all the same. Add uneducated comments by a narrow minded anchor and it�s complete. I think not.
We have been involved in this lifestyle for over 15 years now. We have seen it taken from the deep secretive level to the more open level that it is today. As a couple, we can honestly say that we are devoted to each other like no one we know. Our love is deep and it has overcome hardships and despair. We learned that communications are the most important aspect of relationships. This strong love for each other allowed us to recognize other needs we had or develop over our 26 years of marriage. Our love for each other has allowed us to venture away from the unhealthy norm to a fun filled satisfying lifestyle when it comes to sex. We learned early on that sex doesn�t mean love. While sex with one you love is more fulfilling emotionally, it can also become stale and you can find yourself in a rut. That can lead couples to stray or seek the divorce court. We didn�t allow those things to ever enter our life. We ventured out and found like minded couples who were secure in their loving relationships. Together we enjoyed each others company and many times engaged in sex. Not every time because while they may be alternative sex partners, they are friends first.

Now, years later the male is on medications that doesn�t allow much activity sexually in the lifestyle. So, because he loves his wife so much and realizes she still has needs sexually, single unmarried males have joined us to fulfill her needs and have some fun together. There�s a new twist for your story. We don�t worry about her being one of those women whose husband has ED so she goes out and cheats in order to get some fulfillment. Couples should be responsible to take care of each others needs. Sexuality is only one of those.

Carey, can you honestly say you have never thought of someone sexually outside of your own relationship? Have you ever wondered about that guy you met last week? We know you�re not interested in him because you love him. It�s all chemical. We don�t know your current relationship but we hope you keep it fresh and exciting. Always be willing to communicate your feelings, ideas, and desires. Encourage your partner to do the same. It�s what makes the relationship successful.

As for children, everyone we know in the lifestyle has always put their children first. That is why hotels are used more then homes. They don�t expose their children to their lifestyle. Many have missed events because of needing to stay at home with their children. Plus, no one we have met plays more then once a week and most it might be once a month.

Granted, there are extremes in every way of life. We would guess we fall in the middle somewhere. That is where we are comfortable.

We just wish that the next time someone does one of these reports, it is more in-depth and doesn�t have the stupid comments like, �their looking for love� We are not looking for love at all. If you�re looking for love here, you are already in a failed relationship and it�s best to just move on alone.

I stumbled on these new blogs by accident and had to read this one. Why? Because at 53 yrs old, recently my best friend from high school told me how much she hated her dad and how little respect she had for her mom. I was flabbergasted.

My parents were the "older fuddy duddies", stay at home, stay involved types. Her parents were "cool", young at heart, always partying and having fun with their friends. Oh we had a lot of free rein when we stayed at her house because there was never anyone there to supervise us. Very cool for teens but also a lot of opportunity to get into our own kind of trouble.

We survived it all but I didn't realize they were swingers. She knew from the time she was a little girl. And the knowledge devastated her respect and love for them. 40+ years later and she is still living with the pain of knowing that they valued swinging more than committing themselves to their family.

She bitterly told me how they had all the time for themselves to go @#$ew around with other people instead of being parents to her. How that @#$ewing around was all they focused on, spending several nights each week out with their friends and not focusing on raising a daughter or the love and time and committment it required.

And, NO, they never told her but she figured it out all on her own at about 9, seeing the way her parents acted in the presence of their friends, taking phone messages from friends and eventually catching them with their friends with too many obvious signs to negate reality.

If you don't have children, then OK, swing if you want. Maybe your marriage will survive, maybe it won't. But if there are children, there is no excuse for choosing to swing. After what I experienced via my friend, I think doing this in a home with kids is emotional abuse of those kids. The truth always comes out - you can't completely hide this stuff and the kids are the ones who obviously suffer, all their lives!

BTW, my friend is no prude, was not in her teens and although married, has not been exactly a prude throughout her marriage either. Who knows if this parental swinging impacted her to the extent she was compelled to stray in her own marriage? But I can tell you she never swung with her husband and she made da#$ed sure that any indiscretion was kept strictly private from her kids and husband. Not that I condone that either but certainly that behavior may be a direct result of being raised with the morals of swingers being the guideing light.

leegeecee,

No offense meant, but that is analogous to saying that anybody who has kids shouldn't imbibe in an occasional glass of wine, because you had a friend who was abused by her alcoholic parents.

I may be incorrect, but it sounds to me like your friend has reason to have issues with her *parents*, not with the swinging lifestyle itself. She had irresponsible parents, which they would likely have been even if they weren't swingers.

As another poster mentioned, just like Vanillas, most Lifestyle parents put their kids first, and would never let swinging come between them.

If she is still focused on this at the age of 53, perhaps she may benefit from some professional counseling. This would be much more productive than attacking the lifestyle of those who have the same hobbies her parents had.

Actually Chrissy, my friend was not attacking "the lifestyle" or the people who have this same "hobby" that her parents had. She was sharing with me, one of her oldest friends, intimate feelings about her life. Don't you share deep feelings about your life with your closest friend? Or maybe you don't have deep feelings to share except a sense of entitlement to do whatever you want no matter who it hurts?

If you read back over what I said, it was that she, as a grown adult, a mother herself, is still feeling the pain of knowing the gory UNNATURAL sexual reality of her parents swinging lifestyle from the time she was a young child. Yes, I wrote UNNATURAL -- that lifestyle is UNNATURAL because in our society, couples are expected to pair off, make a family and be loyal to each other sexually and in all other ways. This is societal custom - swinging is UNNATURAL because it does not fit that custom so anyone involved with it is rebelling against society's norm, the expected behavior. Anytime you flagrantly choose to act opposite to society's norm, it is uncomfortable for other extraneous people, little victims who happen to be unfortunate enough to be connected to parents like that who don't give a da@n whether their kid is uncomfortable or not.

And another thing, sex is actually NOT a hobby or a game like golf or bowling. It's the most intimate form of bonding that takes place between two people, not just a pastime or hobby like checkers or fishing.

Don't get me wrong, my friend loved her parents very much and from all I saw of them, they loved her very much. The only outside indication that they swung was that they saw their friends and went to parties at least a few times weekly, more so than a typical mom and dad of that era who might only go out or entertain once every month or two. And given that she was a best friend, I was there to witness plenty of typical family times together: meals, homework, vacations, dance lessons, happy holiday times, grandma/relative visits and so on, a virtual upper middle class happy family of 3 from all appearances. The only real indicator to an outsider like me was the regular and usual partying they did with their friends which, at the time, I saw as her parents being "cool".

Both have been dead for many years now but still, the child in her, (we all have a child inside us no matter how old we grow), is deeply wounded, scarred, from this knowledge. Knowing that her parents were NOT happy enough with each other to stay home and be content with each other and her but rather spent their free time s@#*wing with their friends. Knowing that they valued their own UNNATURAL sexual desires more than they valued keeping her feeling normal, secure, loved and cherished by parents who were committed to each other and her.

You can come up with any excuse you want to justify your own behavior. The bottom line is you cannot keep this kind of behavior a secret from children -- they do find out because they are not stupid, no matter how discreet you believe you are. When they do, they are hurt because you are not behaving normally according to society's expectations by choosing to make sex with other people into a hobby, a game to titillate and amuse you. Children have a way of seeing that parents who do this are selfish and once that happens, the wound stays forever in their hearts.

But if it makes you feel better, keep telling yourself that it's OK and you're not hurting anyone and it's a free country so you can choose to do whatever you want. Live your own life as you please and pretend you have no responsibility or culpability. Sometimes it's so much easier to get your own way, to justify to yourself why you should do something you innately know you shouldn't, if you just keep your head stuck in the sand like the ostrich does. I'm quite sure her parents never knew how much they hurt her by living their lifestyle and I'm quite sure your kids will never tell you that you have shattered their dream of love, security and normalcy when they figure out you're doing more than being friends with your "friends". That will at least protect your tender heart while it allows you to keep your head in the sand and keep believing you can do anything you want and that you, or those you claim to love, will not be paying any price for it. I feel sorry for your kids. It's just too bad you don't.

Thats funny how people find excuses and they can say, 'I love my wife no matter who she sleeps with' I'm sorry to say but they do hurt others. Is so easy to say that music, movies, even kids that attend the same school our children do; It plays a big influnce part in their lives. How can we guide our children with examples like that, this a free country no doubt... But we have a great responsibility to our children and our people. My question is why get married? Finding the love of your life and being honest, truthful, and honoring what marriage is about. It takes a mature couple who understands what a commitment is, and how them too will be an influence to others... Will

Here's a question about stds. Lets say you're at a swingers on premise party and you're involved in oral sex, which is I believe prevalent in parties, alot of which is women on women and women on men and vice-versa. These people, whether strangers to each other or not, are they wearing condoms to play safe sex, I think not.

Let me clarify myself a little more from the previous post. Swingers, how can you have safe oral sex, especially at parties with large groups of people? You might know alot of these people but does everybody there wave around a clean bill of health from they're doctors from that afternoon? What about the people you may know, but haven't seen them or who they been with since you last seen them? And what do you do if you're attracted to another person or couple at the party that you both desperately want to share with, but they're complete strangers?