No matter how much you honk at me, no matter how wildly you wave your arms, no matter how loud you yell obscenities at me, I'm not going to make a left turn that's going to get me hit.

Get over it, dude.

Here's a tip. When there's a steady stream of oncoming traffic with no breaks, it's not a good idea to turn left in front of it.

Now, I know you must be in tremendous a hurry, Mr. Nissan Altima, but my getting hit right in front of you is going to delay you way more than waiting two minutes for traffic to clear.

Believe me, I'd like to make that turn. I really would. And I'm not just being some overly cautious little old lady waiting for an engraved invitation to turn. I'm not that driver. All I need is a little break in the traffic. Not huge, but just enough to turn without getting nailed or losing my rear bumper.

It's not like there's a green arrow and I'm just sitting there completely oblivious. There are cars coming right at me, and they're coming pretty fast.

All the honking, yelling and arm waving in the world isn't going to make that itty-bitty traffic break come any faster. Trust me, if that worked, we'd all be doing it.

And what's with the following me for two blocks, slowing down beside me and continuing to yell at me for following the rules of the road? I thought you were in a hurry. (And by the way, I really don't appreciate your insulting my mother.)

Here's another tip. In this day and age, chasing another driver and yelling at her really isn't the brightest idea. You have no idea what I have in my glove compartment or under my seat. Sounds vaguely threatening, doesn't it?

OK, so I just have my registration, proof of insurance, instruction manual and an empty bank envelope in my glove box and absolutely nothing interesting under the seat. But you have no way of knowing that, do you? Just like I have no way of knowing what you might have in your car.

I'll admit it, I occasionally get the road-rage thing, but usually it's sparked by somebody doing something truly bone-headed -- like sitting obliviously through a green arrow when I'm in a hurry, or cutting me off because he simply had to be one car closer to the red light.

I get annoyed, severely so, but I don't make a spectacle of myself. It's just not worth it.

So, dude, get a grip and lay off the horn. Please (she said through clenched teeth).